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me curious advice |
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Here’s the situation: you decide to meet a couple you’ve been chatting with. They show up. Good so far. They seem nice. Also good. You have a lot in common. All systems go. Then, as the evening progresses, everyone (or most everyone) is wondering if you will take the meeting someplace a little more private.
You take your spouse aside and find out what his or her take on the matter is. One or both of you say, “Well they seem nice enough. I enjoy hanging out with them, but. . .” And there it is: no chemistry for one or both of you. Hearing the word “nice” in these situations is tantamount to hearing the word “personality” in the description of a potential date.
The variation is “I’m attracted to one of them, but not the other.” The effect is the same.
What do you do? It is easy to figure out, yet hard to do. You need to tell them the truth, which is exactly what you just discussed: we like you, but we don’t want to sleep with you. We give this advice, knowing that it is smartest to be up front, that we would understand if we were told that (though we might be a little hurt initially—no one likes rejection), and that doing so would lead to fewer misunderstandings and problems down the line.
Have we ever taken our own advice? Rarely. We’re trying. We would never be able to fire anyone on The Apprentice. (And no, we wouldn’t sleep with Donald Trump.)
The alternatives to the direct approach:
1) Tell one third to half of the truth.
Instead of implying “never,” simply tell the couple that it has been great, but you don’t feel like doing anything tonight. Hell, it is probably late anyway, so it will seem plausible.
Of course there are problems with this technique (commonly called “lying’). If you mean never, but say “not tonight,” they will ask you out again (and possibly again). If they know that you just want to be friends, a night out on the town teasing and swapping sex stories can be great fun. If not, they will think you are playing games and wasting their time. The reason they will think that is because you are.
We have rationalized that saying “not tonight” is truthful, because we never know if we will change our minds. Not going to happen. There are enough people we have to say no to because of legitimate scheduling or biological problems—or because it really is too late. No need to add fake no’s to the list. It will confuse the real ones.
2) Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Then run.
This method is effective, especially in the short term. It may, however, hurt other people’s feelings or give you a less than positive reputation. “They’re the people that run to the bathroom and leave,” people might say.
We actually had a guy tell us that he was going to the bathroom, and if we didn’t want to hang out with him any longer we could leave while he was gone. No hard feelings. We thought that was nice of him to say. We had no intention of leaving (because we liked him), but we were so tempted to hide somewhere just to see the expression on his face when he found us gone. Should have done that.
3) Share the worst of your thoughts.
Say exactly what you are thinking to that other couple—especially if it is rude. “Hey, you’re ok, but your husband is a troll.” “How many years old was that picture you had online?”
These sorts of comments will certainly end the evening with no possibility for misunderstanding about future get-togethers. They will rip that Band-Aid off with one fast rip.
The spirit of meanness, though, is nothing that should be brought into swinging. It may be returned. Besides, bluntness isn’t really truthfulness; it is just mean. Save these thoughts for private conversation with your partner.
4) Agree that you aren’t attracted to the new people—then fuck them.
This avoidance technique, often called “taking one for the team” is an excellent method of getting rid of unwanted people. After the sex, they will leave, no longer needing to hang around waiting for sex. It may not get rid of them for good, though, as sex with people tends to lead to the desire for sex with those people again.
Also, on the downside, it isn’t very much fun, goes against most of the ideals of the swinger lifestyle, and will lead to regrets. Ok, maybe this one isn’t very good.
So, the pleasant truth—“we like you, but aren’t feeling a sexual connection”—is the best policy. Some people will disappear after that (after all, they are looking for sex, not just friends); some people will become non-sexual swinger friends (always good to have). All will know where they stand.
J&J
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