|
A reader wrote about an interesting and sexy experience she recently had
with her husband and a prostitute in Amsterdam. It got us to thinking
(and fantasizing). Here's what she wrote:
My husband and I recently returned from Amsterdam.
While there I bought some time with a prostitute for him. I
thoroughly enjoyed watching him screw her. And he enjoyed it too. We had the
best sex ever after that event. There are some rules that I set before we
did this but, I was
wondering if there are safeguards and agreements made
within a couple that make swapping more enjoyable for
everyone. Also, where do you meet people that are discreet
and into swapping too?
We have talked about a prostitute fantasy of ours for
years. We would love to do it, probably for the reasons that it turned out
well for you. The real evidence of it being a positive experience for you is
your mention of the "best sex ever after that event." All good sexual
experiences have that after effect. Thinking back on things you've done
(with distilled memory) makes for many great sexual experiences from one
event.
We've divided this question into three parts:
Safeguards and Agreements, Levels of Friendship, and Finding the Right
Person.
Safeguards and Agreements
Discussing your desires and your comfort level with your partner and
with your swinger partners beforehand is the key to success. It may
seem like a business deal, negotiating sex acts, but actually the
conversation--as specific as possible--can be quite arousing. Respect
for the limits and continual communication while things are going on are the
other keys. Remember: what you think you might like, you may
not; what you think you may not like, you may. You are never obligated
to do anything at all.
Here's an example: You have had a conversation
with your spouse about swinging. You've decided that you each would
like to have oral sex with another couple, but penetration only with your
spouse. You also decided that you would find it most enjoyable if you
were able to watch the other person pleasuring and being pleasured.
You explain what you want to another couple, who says that sounds like fun.
When things get going, you find that you don't have the view you want.
Stop things gently, and explain that you want to watch for a little bit.
Simple as that.
Another example: You have decided with your
spouse that kissing is out. You think you would be uncomfortable with
that sort of intimacy. You explain this to your swing partners
beforehand. Everyone is fine. During the action, you realize
that you would really like to kiss and see your partner kiss. You can
either wait until next time, talking it over with your partner after the
experience, or try to adjust things at this meeting. The latter is
best done by finding an alone moment--a break in the action--to talk it over
with your partner first, then bringing it up with the others before things
resume.
And yet another: You decide with your partner
that nothing is off limits. You want to do it all, meaning full
intercourse with another couple. When you actually see it, you aren't
sure how you feel about it, or when it comes time to do it, you can't.
Simply say, "let's go back to ____, or let's try something else for a
minute. I don't think I'm ready for this yet." No one will
care (if they are good swingers). There are plenty of other things to
do. Everyone's comfort is the most important part of everyone's
pleasure.
Talk beforehand. Talk during. Talk after.
Levels of Friendship
People remember to talk about sex acts and physical desires, but oftentimes
forget to consider other aspects of the relationship one has or will have
with other swingers. One of the turn-ons of the prostitute experience
is control, but another is anonymity. There are definitely no strings
attached with a prostitute, unless the cops bust through the door.
Swinging might not be as simple, but there are benefits to knowing the
people you have sex with as well.
There are so many sorts of swingers, so many different
sorts of fantasies, so many different sorts of motives.
One of the key differences in swinger preference (that one
can usually only guess at--especially initially) is level
of desired closeness to their sex partners. Closeness
ranges from complete anonymity to polyamorous "marriages,"
with many levels of familiarity and friendship in between.
Many swinger misunderstandings stem from the lack of
communication about what level of closeness is desired.
Couples who want their partners to become good friends in
and out of the bedroom feel they are being rejected by
people who shy away from such things, while couples who
want a little more distance from their swinger friends find
couples who want more to be "clingy."
We are somewhere in between, as we are in most things. We
see the good in all desires, but we have our own
preferences. We like to feel comfortable with the people
we swing with and like to hit it off on a friendly level as
well as a sexual level. We also like to keep in contact
with those we've had experiences with. Every so often. We
have friends in the lifestyle we see once or twice a year,
picking up where we left off. These are our favorite types
of people. They don't expect to do something every week or
even every month. We like that. Like most of us, we have
other competing lives. In other words, we're not out to
make new best friends. Friends and friendly acquaintances,
yes. We have a couple close friends in the lifestyle, but those are the
exception for us.
Good Clingy
So the advantage of having threesomes or moresomes with
people in the lifestyle is the friendly connection--on
whatever level. It is also a boost to know that the person
you are having sex with really wants to have sex with you.
These are the big advantages (besides cost, of course).
The disadvantage is that friendliness. If the third person
wants more than you are willing to give in terms of
friendship, there could be problems down the road. It is
also harder to find a single woman in the lifestyle than it
is in the professional world. Every fmf threesome we've
had has been with a friend. Once, at a club, we were in an
orgy with a single woman, but that probably doesn't count.
Once again, the key is discussion. What sort of
relationship do you want with your swinger friends? Be as up front
about that as you are about actual sex acts and many problems can be
avoided.
Finding the Right Person or People
Weeding out the real from the unreal, the compatible from the incompatible,
the discreet from the indiscreet can be time consuming. Face to face
interaction is the best way to find out if there is chemistry and how the
person acts. Besides sex clubs (where discretion is often guaranteed by
anonymity, especially clubs away from home), there are many meet and greets
for swingers--from the curious to the seasoned. There are many online
guides to on premises and off premises sex clubs. Most of the online
swinger sites we recommend also have postings of local meet n greets and
other sorts of get togethers.
See our guide to online swingers sites for
information about meeting people online.
Any other ideas?
Let us know.
J&J
|
