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i want to.  my partner doesn't.  what's wrong?

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Often we get a note or an IM from someone who asks us "How do I get my wife/husband interested in the lifestyle?"   They don't actually say wife/husband, but one or the other.   Sometimes, we know it is a ruse.   It is a single looking for pity (and a good time).   Other times it is a real question.   We don't have the secret answer or special technique (sorry), but we do have some ideas.   We never had to convince each other.   By bringing the subject up in a healthy way, though, we have made a couple converts of friends.   That has to count for something.   Here goes:

1.   It is possible the other is as interested as you, but doesn't express it in the same way, or has fears about expressing it.   It is perfectly natural to equate "Honey, I think it would be fun if we had sex with other people" to "Honey, I'm bored with you:   I need to get some strange."   No one wants to make the special one in their life feel less than special.   On top of that reservation, there is a great deal of social pressure (just watch Oprah) to consider the acting out of any fantasies to be wrong and dirty.   Anyway, the disinterest or even disgust your significant other may express when you bring up the lifestyle may be more what the person thinks should be said rather than what is truly felt.   If that is the case, the key is to make the person feel secure enough to tell you the truth.

• Don't beg.   The more pressure, the more resistance.
• Express your love, compliment the other (of course, this should be done anyway).
• Dedicate yourself to pleasuring him or her like you've never done before.   Read a little.   Try new things.   The first step to sexual adventurism is sexual enjoyment.   One thing leads to another.
• Ensure the other knows that you would be content   (and more) to make love to them only for the rest of your life.
• Talk about fantasies.   Do this   before and after sex when the energy is high.   Don't judge.   Let the conversation about fantasies run wild.
• Jump start the talk with erotica.   Movies, books, toys.     As a general rule, get women reading and listening, and get men watching.
• Baby steps, baby steps.

2.   If you are patient, these things will certainly lead to a healthier sex life and relationship.   Not a bad bargain.   If you do proceed with making some of these fantasies into a reality, go slow, talk it through, have rules and boundaries.   Go to a strip club.   Go dirty dancing.   Then consider something daring like a no-expectations visit to a swing club or nudist beach.   Whatever you end up doing or not doing, you are doing it together at a pace both are comfortable with.   We have met couples in which one of the two seems to be doing it for the other.   We've seen one member of a couple completely forget about the one they came with (this is bad at a normal party, let alone a swing party).   Neither of these situations is good for anyone.     Go at it as a team.

3.   It is possible, of course, that you won't be able to convince the other.     Not everyone is into the lifestyle.   It isn't for everyone.  

4.   Rather than leave you with that down note, though, how about this.   In our own situation, we both had fears and comfort issues and insecurities and everything else imaginable.   But we talked it through every time, were patient with each other, and see it as a team sport.     As we've grown a little more comfortable,   we have had better and better experiences, and have grown closer and closer together.   Not a bad   bargain either.

J&J  

© 2005 James & Jayme Wayne

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